Managers are the parts in our systems who get us through the day to day. They help us at our jobs, in our social connections, with our to-do lists, and in our decision-making. While our managers are vital in these roles, when they get too extreme they also cause internal and interpersonal distress.
Quick review: managers are one type of protective part that keep us from feeling the intolerable pain of exiles. They do this proactively, striving to prevent that pain from appearing in the first place. (Firefighters, the other type of protective part, are more reactive and jump in when the pain does appear.)
Manager thoughts and actions often seem like personality traits, because they’ve been around so long and are so active. But learning to see them as parts with specific roles frees you to interact with their strategies rather than feeling stuck. I often use the phrase “who’s driving the bus?” to find out which part is in charge of your thinking, feeling, and action at any given moment.
Here are some common manager parts who might show up in your daily life.
Perfectionists
These folks hold us to impossible standards. If you’re perfect, no one can criticize, shame, or reject you, right? That’s what this part thinks.
While perfectionists can motivate excellence, they also set unrealistic standards, and they don’t tolerate mistakes. Mistakes are human; we all make them. So when perfectionist parts are too rigid, we end up feeling like we’re failing or defective.
Perfectionist parts driving the bus can lead to procrastination, stress, and burnout.
Critics
Critics often present as “tough love” voices or judges who point out your flaws.
Unlike with perfectionists, it might be hard to see any value in our critic parts. But even this harsh voice wants you to do your best. If you get to a problem first and solve it internally, then no one else has the chance to criticize.
The critic is afraid of failure or the humiliation that can come with others witnessing your flaws. When critics are highly active, guilt, exhaustion, anxiety, or depression result.
Caretakers
Caretakers put others’ needs first. These parts can show up in our romantic relationships, family ties, and friendships—anywhere in our lives. Caretaker parts bring wonderful empathy and altruism to the people around us. They also give us a way to ignore our own pain.
Relying on caretaking parts is a way of maintaining attachment, avoiding conflict, or making yourself indispensable. In doing so, you neglect your own needs, which can lead to resentment, anger, and burnout.
Sometimes people whose caretaker parts are worn out but can’t step down start doing what I call keeping a balance sheet: a record of who’s done what for whom, who is owed emotional support, a favor, and so on. And this isn’t the way to share connection.
Worriers
Anxious parts scan our environment for potential threats to keep us safe. If you can see something bad coming, you can mobilize to take action to prevent, or at least prepare for, a distaster—according to these parts, at least.
While keeping an eye out for situations that might need to be managed is a helpful skill, when worriers are driving the bus they might imagine catastrophes everywhere. They also can’t distinguish between a true disaster and something stressful that you nevertheless have the coping skills to handle.
The strong presence of worrier parts causes chronic nervous system activation, exhaustion, and fearfulness.
So what do we do with these parts?
Managers often project success while being deeply exhausted under the surface. And they are successful, in the sense that they protect you from intense pain. But the longer they do that, the more rigid they become, and the more exhausted you become. Ultimately, you’ll need to connect with your own suffering so those managers can relax.
To help managers take a break from their extreme roles, listen with care, affirm their good intentions, and introduce them to the idea that you can help. Often managers don’t immediately trust our most resourced, grounded selves to lead the way, so this work is all about building relationships at their pace.
When you are ready to metabolize the pain—shame, fear, helplessness, or worthlessness, for instance—you’ve been holding, and your managers trust that you can, they’ll step down. Then it’s time to bring all your compassion and clarity to those young, hurt parts. Once their pain is released, your managers will be able to go about their roles in a calmer, more sustainable way.